‘Full House & Full Hearts’

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by Ali Holman

The desire to have children again began the moment I met Justin. What had once been put to death in my heart began to grow deep once I met true love. I wanted a Holy blood line with this beautiful soul. I wanted to carry his children and see what part of him and part of me would be like. Justin had had a vasectomy after his youngest daughter, Josie, was born. He said he always felt like he wasn’t supposed to, and that he wasn’t done having children, but an unhealthy marriage, and timing, left it at just that. My first marriage had only left hurt from both times I was pregnant. Nothing had ever been easy, or pleasant. But this love we had for each other brought us both into a new season and opened both of our hearts again to having a child.

Financially, in our beginning years of marriage, left us with just prayer for a miracle. A reversal wasn’t an option any time soon. I remember praying so hard, and often, for God to physically reconnect what doctors had severed, and give us a miracle. 

The first year we were married we were attending SIWC in Herrin, and the desire for a baby was growing deep. Once Sunday morning I was in worship and just crying out to God to give us a child. Begging, bargaining, pleading. I never told Justin the amount of prayers I was sending up, because I never wanted him to feel guilty. He already felt it enough, and felt inadequate that he couldn’t give me the desires of my heart with a child. After worship, Treena Wicoff, whom I did not know at the time, came up to me. She said she wasn’t used to doing this, and began to tell me that she doesn’t even know if we want children or have any, but during worship God showed her my desires to have children and that she doesn’t know how, or when, but that he will give that to me someday. Tears streamed down my face, and all I could say was “thank you”. The spark of excitement began to grow. I clung to that promise that God gave me that day and began to pray harder and cling to the bit of hope I was given. 

The next few years went by, and many negative pregnancy tests were all I would get. I still believed with my whole heart, that God would do a miracle. In 2017, we started to talk about a reversal. I began my research and found a place in St. Louis that was Christian based and at a reasonable price. So, we began to save up and eventually made an appointment for May 9. The surgery seemed to go well and wasn’t too hard on him. We left feeling excited and hopeful. This had to be it and it must finally be our turn! Each month went by with more negative tests, but we still kept trying to be hopeful. In January 2018 we decided to have his sperm count tested to see if the surgery had worked. We got the phone call the next day that there was zero sperm count. Our hearts shattered. I felt devastation and loss of all hope come over me. I cried and cried. Our chance was gone. Why would God give us hope and take it away!! The longing in my heart grew.

The next year or so was very hard financially. I knew we would never be in a place to get another surgery, at least not for a long time. I didn’t even know if Justin would be willing. He’d already gone through two surgeries. I began to share my feelings of devastation to my women’s group at Celebrate Recovery. I was hurting and needed support and prayers. My sisters in Christ began to pray for and with me. God told me he had heard my prayers and told me to start praying for other women struggling with infertility. God laid the names of five women on my heart, so I began to pray. Slowly, one by one, these women began to conceive, or adopt. Just one was left and I felt like once she had her baby, God would just maybe, give me mine. 

As 2019 went by, we experienced such a hardship in our life. We moved to Ewing to Justin’s childhood home. That summer was probably our hardest. Corbin broke his arm and led us to nearly weekly trips to St. Louis; the transmission in our van went out; the water main under our house burst; the lights in Justin’s Suburban went out; the AC broke, and Justin was working the horrible swing shifts at Continental Tire. Our bank account was overdrawn nearly every week. We couldn’t get ahead. The idea of a baby became less realistic. I think I always had some hope, but Justin and I had to let it go in this season. It was too hard to even go there after the failed reversal. I had to get to a place in my heart that I was okay with not having any more children. Although my heart still longed for it. I remember praying that if this wasn’t what God wanted for us, that he would take the desire out of my heart. It just hurt too bad. I had to watch many couples become pregnant and grow their families and try to continue to be happy for them, but I was so jealous I became bitter. 

2019 went and 2020 came. It wasn’t much better with Covid starting in March, me being off work for 10 weeks, the craziness in the world and most places shut down. All I had was prayer and I spent A LOT of time praying in those 10 weeks of being home. Spring of 2020, God started to open Justin’s heart again to wanting a baby. I couldn’t believe it. We were doing better financially, even with me being off work, and the government sent out Stimulus Checks. I recalled Tina and James Hall telling us years ago about a doctor in Texas that did their reversal and it was successful. They had been praying with us for the last three years. I decided to message her and find out who the Doctor was. Out of curiosity, I called the doctor’s office. They took our info and wanted to talk to Justin. The doctor asked him many questions and repeatedly asked him if he was sure and what his thoughts were. The doctor told him that he doesn’t typically take re-do patients that weren’t his first surgery, but that he would pray about it and let him know. He called back a day or two later and told us he was willing to do the surgery if we wanted to. He was going to be considered a ‘specialty’ surgery so it would cost a little more. We would have to put a deposit of $2,000 down to reserve an appointment. We were ecstatic that he would even take us and felt God start moving. We began to start feeling hopeful again and we started to save money. 

The next week, I was doing Tina Hall’s hair at the salon, as I do every few months. I hadn’t told her anything about talking to the doctor in Texas, because I had felt I had exhausted my talking of the same thing. She left her appointment that night and gave me a card. I chose not to open it until later when I got home. Justin and I were sitting on the couch, and I opened the card. It was saying that they’re still praying and believing with us. Inside the card was a check for $2,000!!! The exact amount for the deposit! GOD IS AMAZING!! At first, Justin didn’t want to take their money, but I reminded him of the blessing it is in receiving just as it is in giving. We soon were going to the place of hope again in our hearts, but with caution as well. We didn’t want to get our hopes up just to be let down again. The only thing we could do was try to rest and just trust God in it all. His timing. His plan. His purpose. He is faithful. I understood over the years why God hadn’t given us a child together. Through the seasons, I recalled times when our other children were our “baby” and our focus.

We called the doctor’s office that we had in mind in New Braunsfel, TX and told them our story. They took our information to share with the doctor and have him get back to us. And we prayed! A couple of days later the doctor called and talked with Justin a little. He said he had prayed about it and was willing to move forward if we were. We set our date for July 29, 2020 and sent our deposit. We were so excited but still in disbelief that it was actually going to happen. Justin and I were both anxious and nervous because there was a chance it still wouldn’t work. This was it! But we kept our hope up and knew only God could have opened these doors!

We left that Monday before his surgery from Evansville, IN around 7:30am. We spent the day in San Antonio and did some shopping and ate. We were both anxious but ready. We went in for his surgery at 8:00am the next morning. They prayed over us before we went in. They put on worship music and I was able to watch and record the whole thing. 

We flew out the next morning. It was so good to be done and home. Justin has some post op instructions to follow to make sure everything healed well. We started trying to conceive in September. We had a microscope that we looked into and slowly started seeing sperm appear! It was amazing!! So the journey began…..

On October 30, 2020 I took a pregnancy test, as I had every other day that week, and I noticed a faint line. I didn’t believe it but just set the test aside and didn’t say anything.

The next morning, I took another test and sure enough, it was positive! I told Justin, and our excitement and surprise kicked in! It had only been three months since the surgert and we did not expect to get pregnant that fast! We honestly never thought we would get to this point and actually BECOME pregnant so we were so grateful and thankful!!

We called both of our parents shortly after and told them. They were so excited and thrilled. A few weeks went by before we told our close friends, but we didn’t want the kids to know yet. As excitement built and reality set in, we began buying little things here and there. Our doctor’s appointment was set for the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend. Family pictures were scheduled for the Saturday after and we planned to tell the kids then.

On Sunday before the doctor’s appointment, I started having tightness and slight cramping. I figured it was from running, but it continued for the next 24 hours. We headed to our first doctor’s appointment on a cold Monday afternoon. I went in by myself because at that point, no guests were allowed in because of COVID. As I started the process of preparing for the doctor, I started spotting. My heart sank! But I knew I just needed to wait and see the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech let me Facetime with Justin so he could see. As they pulled it up, we saw a baby! She said it looked like I was 6 weeks along, but I knew for a fact I was 8 weeks. She couldn’t find a heartbeat and said that she wanted to see me back in a week because it was probably too early. Deep down, I knew something was wrong. My cramping began to get worse and the spotting continued. Although the pain wasn’t unbearable, I didn’t work. I knew I couldn’t handle taking care of others and was afraid of miscarrying at work. So, I waited. The week felt like the longest week in the world! Everyone was wonderful. Friends brought meals and care packages, and ordered pizza for the kids. Mom came to be with me. I felt so loved but never more alone. 

In the middle of the night on Thursday, cramps became so bad that I was on the floor of the bathroom crying. It was worse than any pain I had ever felt! It happened again on Friday night…constant stabbing pain! Then on Saturday morning, I miscarried. I was exhausted mentally and physically. I was devastated. Justin was wonderful during it all. He is my rock!

I cried a lot of the next few weeks. I wasn’t ok and wasn’t sure if I would be for a long while. On December 28 I took another pregnancy test because it had been almost 4 weeks and there was a line! I was excited because I had read that pregnancy can happen quickly after a miscarriage. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment. At that appointment, the pregnancy test was negative. They thought it might just be hormones left from the miscarriage and wanted me to come back in a week. I went back two more times before my hormone levels returned to normal. It was so hard to keep going! I was ready to be done so we could move on!!

About the time we were ready to start trying to conceive again, I got an infection and had to take two rounds of antibiotics to get it cleared up. It seemed like it was one thing after another!! March came and it was time to try again! Just as we thought everything was good to go, one night I was in bed holding my stomach and crying again. The pain wasn’t as bad as before and only lasted 15 minutes, but I was tender and sore for 4 more days. I made another doctor’s appointment and an ultrasound showed that I had a cyst rupture on my right ovary. I had to wait another month and go back to make sure blood was circulating to that ovary. Another month gone! We were both so exhausted from all the issues I was having. 

We began planning a vacation with friends to Florida for the end of June. We needed it and wanted the kids to get a vacation before we added a new addition. On June 11, I took a pregnancy test and it showed a VERY faint line. So, I took another and it looked the same. I went downstairs and showed Justin. He saw it too and wanted to go buy expensive tests to verify. And that’s just what we did. We went to Marion and sure enough, when we got home and took the test, it was POSITIVE! We were shocked once again! We had both started questioning whether it would ever happen, but WE WERE PREGNANT!!

Although there was a nervousness, God gave us a peace. We had to tell our friends because we would be going on vacation in a few weeks with them. We also told our parents. The wait for the first doctor’s appointment felt like an eternity.

We were going to leave for Florida on June 28th. The Monday before we left, my back went out and I was off work for the whole week. I knew God was slowing me down for a reason, so I rested because that’s all I could do. I started cramping that Thursday, more like a tightening. I figured it was my stomach compensating for my back. But it continued. Tightening and cramps the whole time we were in Florida. I was begging and asking God to protect this baby. It continued and on our way home, I began spotting. Justin and I were both so fearful and afraid that we were going to lose this baby too. The spotting continued through the evening and the next morning. I texted friends to pray. They began praying that this baby would go full term and 30 minutes later, the spotting was gone and by the next morning, all tightness and cramping went away! I had been cramping for nine days and now it was gone! Praise God! He is faithful!!

We waiting anxiously over the next week for our first doctor’s appointment. On July 12, 2021, within a few days of our first baby’s due date, we saw our Rainbow Baby’s heartbeat!! We knew that wasn’t a coincidence!

Our friends and family threw us a baby shower on December 5, 2021 not knowing that was one year after we miscarried our first. God redeemed and brought healing to dates that I had thought would only bring heartache! He was doing something big! He was not only fulfilling a promise but breaking through doubt and fear!

The day came that labor started on a cold February evening. We had such anticipation and excitement! I felt relaxed and at ease. Mordecai was born on February 18 at 10:35 a.m., weighing 6-pounds-9-ounces and he was 19.75-inches long. Life with this little blessing was so fun!! And so busy!! We have enjoyed every second!!

Mordecai was almost 9 months old when we decided that we would leave it in God’s hands as to whether He gave us another baby or not. And almost before we made that decision, I was pregnant! No trouble this time around at all! This baby is due August 13, 2023 and as I write this we are in the final countdown. God has sure been faithful to us!